|
|
| Criticwatch 2008 (UPDATED 6/26/08 - Travers, The Dark Whore) |
by Erik Childress
Pete Hammond has been fired from Maxim, but like the cockroaches that they are – there’s a quote whore just waiting out there in the wings to step up and take his place. Who are the quote whores? They are unscrupulous little maggots who wiggle across the junkets and free screenings of America and come up with the most hyperbole-laden praise to ensure their place amongst the by-lines of film ads and commercials. You see, a true quote whore doesn’t write anything but this brand of copy. Most of them you can barely find any info on through a web search. And in this day and age, that’s a pretty rare feat. Of course, not all of the critics at Criticwatch are whores. Some of them are just rampant sluts, giving it up for free with little regard for good taste or the disease they spread through a critical community trying to honestly do their jobs and inform the public with a less-biased opinion through intelligent speech and an eye for what makes a good film. Each year Criticwatch tracks the whores and the sluts, while also trying to offer a counterpoint with actual critics and real writers whom you can trust, if not always agree with. We've named our awards appropriately over the years (“The Peter Travers Whore of the Year Award”, “The Kevin Thomas Sloppy Seconds” and "The Michael Medved Bag of Douche Award")
CRITICWATCH NOTES THIS WEEK
6/26/08 - Travers, The Dark Whore
Warner Bros. has been a joy to work with over the years. At least since the fine people over at Terry Hines took over the account here in Chicago. Which is why I hate to call them out for their rampant use of whores. Guys like Mark S. Allen are a regular staple. Look at whom they’re quoting on their Get Smart ads right now. This one takes the cake though. And its not so much a criticism of anyone at the studio. At least not up front. Everyone knows here at Criticwatch that we named our top whoring award after Rolling Stone’s Peter Travers for writing up more positives than Deepak Chopra at an integer seminar and doing so with enough hyperbolic superlatives to guarantee his less-relevant-than-ever magazine appears in the ads.
Christopher Nolan’s The Dark Knight doesn’t open in theaters until July 18. Windy City natives are getting to see it a full 10 days early; a tactic that studios like Universal, Paramount, Sony and Disney might want to utilize to give critics time to give them better coverage. Peter Travers didn’t have to wait until after the July 4 holiday. He’s already had his screening and he’s bringing out the fireworks too. With a review over THREE WEEKS EARLY, I am going to laugh my ass off the next time a studio threatens one of our CFCA members with releasing their review before the release date.
Now, Warner Bros. may run wild with Travers review. But, ironically, to savvy observers of the industry, they are actually drawing negative attention to themselves. And not just here. Check out some of the comments over at Hollywood Elsewhere
"Knight may be a good or even great film, or at least a wild slam-banger, but there's no trusting Travers. About anything. Especially when he's the first one out of the gate." - Jeffrey Wells
"He's like the Doug Henning of movie criticism - you wonder how he keeps from keeling over, he gets so giddy." - 115thdreamer
"I think I stopped taking him seriously when in his review of Mulholland Dr. he described "colors that pop like a whore's lip gloss". Whatever, dude." - Lazarus
"Early bird reviews like this always smack of opportunism on the behalf of the reviewer. Like that kid who's the first on the block to play with the hot new toy and can't hold back his exhileration at doing so. Then the rest of us play with it and we find out it's just another damn toy." - Undercover Brother
"As a rule of thumb, I don't trust any review that's written in a way that's begging to be quoted in the ad campaign." - Joel
There you have it. Now, WB may not have granted Travers their blessing to print anything - but they knew what they were getting into when they granted him such early access. However, they could make a statement to this douchebag and to all embargo busters by (A) not using a single word of his review in any of the ads and (B) banning him from all early screenings. I'm sure there are a few trusted online writers out there who can hold out a little longer and still satisfy their readers.
6/24/08 - Criticwatch hasn't had much to report recently and that's probably a good thing. Pete Hammond and Shawn Edwards have popped up a couple times. (Disney honestly couldn't find anyone to go early on the masterpiece WALL-E better than Easy Petey?) But nothing too crazy. WB used a bunch of whores on the ads for the decently reviewed Get Smart. But if you haven't already, check out the latest piece on the recent glut of whore interviews and the continued (and unnecessary) war between print and online critics.
Criticwatch 2008: War, Peace and Every Man In Between
2008 Quote Totals (Whores & Sluts)
31 - Jeffrey Lyons
20 - Peter Travers
13 - Pete Hammond
12 - Shawn Edwards
7 - Ben Lyons
6 - Earl Dittman & Steve Oldfield
5 - Mark S. Allen, Harry Knowles, Scott Mantz & James Thomas
4 - Bryan Erdy, Jim Ferguson, Paul Fischer, Jeffrey K. Howard & Carrie Keagan
3 - Bill Bregoli, Roger Friedman, Sandie Newton & Jeanne Wolf
2 - Ted Baehr, Pat Collins, Jeff Craig, Mose Persico, Renee Shapiro & Rachel Smith
1 - Steven Chupnick, Kelli Gillespie, Bonnie Laufer, Prairie Miller & Chuck Thomas
2008 Quote Totals (Caveat Emptor)
21 - Variety & Claudia Puig
13 - Owen Gleiberman
9 - The Hollywood Reporter
8 - Dennis Dermody
7 - Leah Rozen & Gene Shalit
6 - Leonard Maltin & Elizabeth Weitzman
5 - Thelma Adams & Rafer Guzman
4 - Dan Jewel &Matt Zoller Seitz
3 - Bloody-Disgusting
2 - Stephen Hunter & Roger Moore
1 - Karen Berg, Larry King & Christy Lemire
2008 Quote Totals (Critics You Can Trust)
29 - A.O. Scott
20 - Richard Roeper
17 - Manohla Dargis
16 - Rex Reed
15 - Roger Ebert, David Edelstein & Marshall Fine
13 - Richard Corliss, Andrew Sarris & Lisa Schwarzbaum
12 - Karen Durbin & Stephen Holden
10 - John Anderson
9 - David Ansen
8 - Joe Morgenstern
7 - Carina Chocano, Scott Foundas, Lou Lumenick, Michael Phillips & Kenneth Turan
6 - J. Hoberman & Joshua Rothkopf
5 - David Denby, Andrew O'Hehir, John Powers
3 - Troy Patterson
1 - Robert Wilonsky
READ THE LATEST IN CRITICWATCH
Criticwatch 2007 - The Whores of the Year and the Axing of Pete Hammond
Criticwatch 2007 - Know Your Shit, Period!
- The Vindication of Awards?
- 2006 Whores of the Year
- The Whores of Summer and the Embargoes They Break
- Critics vs. Whores: Where Is The Sky Falling?
Read All The Articles In The Criticwatch Series - HERE[/big]
CRITIC LIST
THE BIG 2 (& OUR AWARD NAMES)
Peter Travers (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Kevin Thomas (Los Angeles Times) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006)
THE WHORES
Byron Allen
Mark S. Allen (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Bill Bregoli (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Steven Chupnick (2007)
Pat Collins (2007)
Jeff Craig (2003) (2007)
Bill Diehl (2005) (2006)
Earl Dittman (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Shawn Edwards (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Bryan Erdy (2007)
Guy Farris (2005)
Paul Fischer (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Jim Ferguson (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Roger Friedman (2006) (2007)
Jeffrey K. Howard (2003) (2006) (2007)
Carrie Keagan
Joanna Langfield
Bonnie Laufer (2007)
Stuart Lee
Scott Mantz (2005) (2006) (2007)
Bill McCuddy
Melanie Moon (2007)
Sandie Newton
Steve Oldfield (2005) (2006) (2007)
Mose Persico (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Richard Reid
Greg Russell (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Maria Salas (2005) (2006) (2007)
Mike Sargent (2003) (2005) (2007)
J.P. Sarni (Sirius Satellite Radio)
Fred Saxon (2003) (2004)
Todd David Schwartz (CBS Radio)
Renee Shapiro
David Sheehan (2003) (2004) (2006)
Clay Smith (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006)
Lisa Stanley (2006) (2007)
Kevin Steincross
Jim Svejda (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Chuck “The Movie Guy” Thomas (2005) (2006) (2007)
James Thomas
Fred Topel
Tony Toscano (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006)
Jeanne Wolf (2003) (2005) (2006) (2007)
TELEVISION
Alison Bailes (Reel Talk)
Paul Clinton (CNN) (2003)
Roger Ebert (Ebert & Roeper) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Sara Edwards (CN8 – The Comcast Network) (2005)
Tim Estiloz (CN8 – The Comcast Network)
Kelli Gillespie (XETV-TV San Diego) (2007)
Sam Hallenbeck (NBC-TV/Tampa)
Larry King (Larry King Live) (2003) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Joyce Kulhawik (Hot Ticket!) (2003)
Ben Lyons (E!) (2006) (2007)
Jeffrey Lyons (WNBC-TV) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Leonard Maltin (Entertainment Tonight) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Jim O'Brien (News Channel 5)
Richard Roeper (Ebert & Roeper) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Neil Rosen (NY-1) (2006)
Gene Shalit (The Today Show) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Joel Siegel (Good Morning America) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006)
Rachel Smith (KVVU Las Vegas) (2007)
Patrick Stoner ("Flicks" PBS)
"Two Thumbs Up" (Ebert & Roeper) (2003)
Sarah Zapp (The Comcast Network)
Bill Zwecker (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006)
OTHER TV
THE MAGAZINES
Thelma Adams (US Weekly) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
John Anderson (Newsday) (2006) (2007)
David Ansen (Newsweek) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Karen Berg (OK!) (2007)
Jess Cagle (People) (2005)
Richard Corliss (Time) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Julia Dahl (Marie Claire)
David Denby (The New Yorker) (2006) (2007)
Dennis Dermody (Paper) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Karen Durbin (Elle) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
David Edelstein (Slate / New York Magazine) (2006) (2007)
Stephen Farber (Movieline / Hollywood Life) (2006)
David Fear (Time Out New York) (2006)
Marshall Fine (Star) (2006) (2007)
Aaron Gell ("O")
Owen Gleiberman (Entertainment Weekly) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Rafer Guzman (Newsday)
Pete Hammond (Maxim) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Bruce Handy (Vanity Fair)
Logan Hill (New York Magazine) (2006)
The Hollywood Reporter (2007)
In Touch Magazine (2006)
Dan Jewel (Life & Style Weekly) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Glenn Kenny (Premiere) (2003) (2005) (2006)
Andrew O'Hehir (Salon) (2007)
Troy Patterson (Spin) (2007)
John Powers (Vogue) (2007)
Stephen Rebello (Playboy)
Rebecca Rothbaum (O)
Leah Rozen (People) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Richard Schickel (Time) (2003)
Gene Seymour (Newsday)
Lisa Schwarzbaum (Entertainment Weekly) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Jan Stuart (Newsday) (2005)
Ken Tucker (New York Magazine)
Variety (2007)
THE NEWSPAPERS
Jami Bernard (New York Daily News)
John Black (Boston Metro)
Ty Burr (The Boston Globe)
Jeannette Catsoulis (The New York Times)
Carina Chocano (Los Angeles Times) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Mike Clark (USA Today)
Kevin Crust (Los Angeles Times)
Manohla Dargis (Los Angeles Times) (2003) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Scott Foundas (L.A. Weekly) (2007)
J. Hoberman (Village Voice) (2007)
Stephen Holden (The New York Times) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Stephen Hunter (The Washington Post) (2007)
Mick LaSalle (San Francisco Chronicle) (2006) (2007)
Nathan Lee (The New York Times) (2006)
Lou Lumenick (New York Post) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Jack Mathews (NY Daily News) (2005)
Elvis Mitchell (The New York Times) (2003)
Roger Moore (The Orlando Sentinel) (2007)
Joe Morgenstern (The Wall Street Journal) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Rob Nelson (The Village Voice)
Michael Phillips (Chicago Tribune) (2007)
Claudia Puig (USA Today) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Rex Reed (The New York Observer) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Carrie Rickey (The Philadelphia Inquirer)
Jim Ridley (The Village Voice)
Joshua Rothkopf (Time Out New York) (2007)
Andrew Sarris (The New York Observer) (2003) (2007)
Stephen Schaefer (Boston Herald)
A.O. Scott (The New York Times) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Liz Smith (New York Post)
Ella Taylor (L.A. Weekly)
Matt Zoller Seitz (The New York Times) (2007)
Kyle Smith (The New York Post) (2006)
Ruthe Stein (San Francisco Chronicle)
David Sterritt (The Christian Science Monitor)
Bob Strauss (Los Angeles Daily News) (2005)
Kenneth Turan (Los Angeles Times) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Elizabeth Weitzman (NY Daily News) (2007)
Armond White (NY Press)
Stephen Whitty (The Star Ledger)
Michael Wilmington (Chicago Tribune) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Robert Wilonsky (Dallas Observer) (2007)
ASSOCIATED PRESS
David Germain (2005)
Christy Lemire (2005) (2006) (2007)
RADIO
Michael Medved (2007)
Prairie Miller (2007)
Dean Richards (WGN Radio Chicago) (2003) (2004) (2005)
Jan Wahl
THE WEB
Ain’t It Cool News.com / Harry Knowles (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Ted Baehr (Movieguide) (2007)
Bloody-Disgusting (2007)
Chris Carle (IGN.com)
Cinematical
eFilmCritic.com (2006)
Fangoria
Film Threat (2006)
Avi Offer (The NYC Movie Guru)
ORGANIZATIONS
Janet Stokes (Film Advisory Board) (2006)
CRITICWATCH CREEDO
Since 2003, eFilmCritic’s Criticwatch has kept a watchful eye on the film reviewer community. And in that time, we’ve been called a lot of names.
Angry. Boring. Jealous. Scum.
So why do we scour movie ads every day and call out the biggest whorebags in entertainment journalism?
Heck. We do it for the kids.
Often, people will ask what it takes to be called a ‘quotewhore’ by our panel of blurb snoops. In that respect, the Criticwatch Credo is fairly simple; yes, it’s okay to have poor taste once in a while. Yes, it’s okay to get quoted in movie ads. Yes, it’s okay to be a little generous about the movies you’re reviewing.
Where things go skewiff is when you’re ALWAYS being quoted in the ads for movies that are flat out awful - films that nobody else will touch. Or if you’re writing for some obscure radio station in Oshkosh Wisconsin, yet your name is all over the trailers for the biggest releases every week. Or if you just happen to have a great blurb for a movie that is so bad that it isn’t being shown to critics.
From the beginning, Criticwatch has always been about who you can trust.
Some of the critics on our list are junketeers. They get flown out to LA and New York by the Hollywood studios and treated like royalty, in return for five minutes with a celebrity and a favorable review.
Others are Scoop Sluts. They sneak into word of mouth screenings and rush off to the computer when they get home so they can be the first to tell everyone how "AWESOME!" [sic] the latest big budget action piece of ridiculousness is.
But the ones that really yank our chain are the Quote Whores.
These guys just don’t care about the art of cinema, nor film journalism. To them, it doesn’t matter if their words convince you and your family to waste $60 on a terrible movie, just as long as they get a little mention in the trailer. To these douchebags, everything is a "masterwork" and an "instant classic" and the "most hilarious comedy of the year". Nothing is ever bad to a quotewhore.
To immortalize the worst offenders, we’ve named our annual awards after the absolute bottom end of the industry; namely “The Peter Travers Whore of the Year Award”, “The Kevin Thomas Sloppy Seconds Award” and "The Michael Medved Bag of Douche Award".
Finally, it must be said that not everyone who offers a positive blurb for a terrible movie makes our list. Roger Ebert liked Garfield… Bad taste hits everyone, once in a while. It’s okay to get one wrong - or even a few.
But if a film critic sells out the general public on anything close to a consistent basis, we will call them out publicly.
Please, before you pay money to watch a movie, check back here and make sure that the guy telling you I Am Legend is the "One of the Greatest Movies Ever Made" knows what the hell he’s talking about.
2008 CRITICWATCH ARCHIVE
5/25/08 - Six Whores and their Mother?
The whores are out for Sex and the City. And the critics are raving too. I haven't seen the film yet myself but who could resist that line after seeing the parade of quotes in Sunday's papers. Maybe the 145-minute film, the longest of the summer to date (longer than Indiana Jones, Iron Man, Speed Racer or even Narnia) is also the best. I'll just leave you with final query until my review on Friday. What's with all the dudes loving this film?
****! A great night out with friends. – Colin Bertram, Daily News
Sarah Jessica Parker couldn’t be better. The four female stars are the most appealing ensemble of the year. – Roger Friedman
Sex and the City sizzles! – Liam Mayclem, CBS-TV
The best date movie of the summer! – Mark S. Allen
Sexational!...Sex and the City is back, beautiful, and better than ever. – Neil Rosen
Sex and the City is wickedly funny…Definitely worth the wait! – Bill Bregoli
Run – don’t walk – and bring a friend! Sex and the City is absolute perfection. – Sandie Newton
5/23/08 - Kingdom of the Thick & Useless Skulls
Nineteen years ago this week, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade debuted to audiences. Chapter four of the Indiana Jones series opened this Thursday. He may be older but the reviews are still fresh, flirting with an 80% approval rating over at Rotten Tomatoes, currently making it the 4th best reviewed film of the year (minimum of 100 reviews) behind Iron Man, Forgetting Sarah Marshall and The Spiderwick Chronicles. (4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days and The Counterfeiters have 2007 roots so they haven't been included.)
Surprisingly enough though, one critic who is on that negative side is none other than quote whore du jour, Peter Travers. The man who liked Charlie Bartlett, 21, and Speed freakin' Racer is invoking the term of "silliness" to describe Indiana Jones. And he's not alone.
The reigning Peter Travers Whore of the Year, Shawn Edwards, blasts Indiana Jones as being neither "fun or adventurous." Edwards says, "it's silly and annoying" and "the worst and most anti-climactic ever in the history of the movies." Shawn, you ignorant slutwhore. You would rather sit through Fool's Gold ("Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson are this generation's most engaging on-screen couple") than Crystal Skull? You liked Semi-Pro, Drillbit Taylor AND Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins? Did poor Shawny get denied an interview from Spielberg and Lucas? (And if anyone saw Access Hollywood's "exclusive" interview from Cannes, more sympathetic I could not be. "Who's better with the whip?" was one of their questions.) And here I was going to use this space to celebrate the impending two-month anniversary of our movie ads being Shawn Edwards free. He's been absent since Leatherheads, the culmination of a period from Feb. 8 - Apr. 4 where he amassed 10 quotes with some of the gems listed above. He had 11 going into the summer season in 2007 where he picked up another 9 quotes from May-to-August. Let's keep the streak going. I don't know what more to say about these two idiots. Their reviews, as always, are suspect. Talk amongst yourselves.
Meanwhile, speaking of talk - feel free to tune into Nick Digilio's show this Sunday night (May 25). At Midnight (Central time), myself and Collin Souter will be in-studio to discuss all things Indiana Jones and the resurgence of the elder action franchises. Just click below to listen online, go to www.wgnradio.com or tune into 720 AM in Chicago for what should be an entertaining and informative discussion. Maybe Travers and Edwards can call in.
Narnia’s Pre-Resurrection
The President of the Chicago Film Critics Association (not the picture you see before you) received a fax this week regarding Prince Caspian, the adaptation of the second Narnia book (albeit chronologically the fourth of the seven stories.) This fax informed him that the chairman of the Christian Film & TV Commission (and the editor of Movieguide.org) hails it as “a fantastic epic adventure” and “a very exciting, fantastic epic that re-imagines the book’s story.” I think we all know what “book” he means has been “re-imagined.” And that “he” is Ted Baehr (yes, HIS picture right), whom you may have seen here and there on movie ads or more notably as a subject of ridicule here at Criticwatch. Back in 1988 he was at the forefront of the protests on Martin Scorsese’s The Last Temptation of Christ but now advocates the series where Father Christmas hands over weapons to children to do battle for the kingdom. Solid Christian message, all around, don’t you think?
While the CFCA board is receiving this fax to tell us what others think of the movie, the majority of the membership will not have a chance to see the film until the Wednesday evening (May 14). Christ, even Jesus was given three days to rest before the resurrection. The Sun-Times and Tribune got a look more than a full week earlier. So “hear me now Israel…Aren’t your ways unequal?” (Exekiel 18:25)
Bryan Erdy, after a brief separation from the Disney teat, is back calling Prince Caspian “Even better than the first. Astonishing in the every way.” And that’s just on the TV spots. In the New York Times Sunday he also called it “Extraordinary! Destined to join the original as a classic!” This from the guy who never met a straight-to-video Disney animated sequel he couldn’t blurb (Bambi II, Brother Bear 2, Cinderella III & The Fox and the Hound 2.) Last year National Treasure 2 was “spectacular, exciting fun.” Believe in Jesus or the Lord, our Father, or a talking lion all you want, but by believing in Erdy you’re putting your faith in the guy who said The Game Plan was “one of the funniest movies in years” and that College Road Trip was “the perfect family movie.” Here are some more false Gods put before the nation’s critics singing Narnia’s praises:
“****” Gorman Woodfin, CNN
“Triumphant.” Stephen McGarvey, crosswalk.com
“Brilliant! A captivating adventure that’s thrilling from start to finish. – Mose Persico
“Wildly exciting! Bigger and better, Prince Caspian hits the mark! – Bonnie Laufer
“The must-see film of 2008.” S. Choi - TLN
Psalms says that scorn is for the proud. And I’m damn proud not to be any of these people.
Whore Racers
Film Title: Speed Racer
Released by: Warner Bros,
Tomatometer: 34% (as of May 9, 2008)
Respected Critics Say:
"135 minutes of noisy, infantile and shockingly boring mind rot that will inspire only partial epilepsy in viewers whose ages remain in the single digits and complete ennui in those who have passed the big 1-0.." - Peter Sobczynski, eFilmCritic.com
" It wouldn't surprise me to learn that the entire movie was paid for by the makers of Tylenol.." - Scott Weinberg, Cinematical
"At an exceedingly long 135 minutes, the film needs more than what might result from the explosion of a Crayola factory, and Speed Racer has nothing extra to offer -- no heart, no excitement, no moments to cherish." - James Berardinelli, ReelViews
What I Said:
"Speed Racer devolves into one of the most painfully ill-conceived borefests to ever grace a summer movie season and an easy candidate of one of 2008's worst films." – Erik Childress, eFilmCritic.com
That’s what the negative reviews of Speed Racer look like. Critics who don’t like it, REALLY don’t like it. And more sympathetic – I could not be. 34% actually seems high at Rotten Tomatoes with 81 reviews clocked in Friday morning, but the number has been going down day-by-day and will probably be somewhere between 25-30% by Sunday. Possibly, unfathomably, lower than What Happens In Vegas. Warner Bros. is not using any of that 33% though. They have trotted out a lineup of whores like a menu at the Chicken Ranch. Starting with last Sunday’s ads, it seems new ones kept popping up on the TV spots and even more for this weekend’s ads.
"The creators of the Matrix trilogy have revolutionized moviemaking." - Earl Dittman
"Spectacular! Visually stunning. It will blow your mind." – Mark S. Allen
"A spectacular adventure for all ages." – Dean Richards
"A visual masterpiece. Great entertainment." – Janet Stokes
"Beyond incredible. You’ve never seen anything like it." - Bryan Erdy
"One of the most exhilarating movies you’ll ever see." – Jim Ferguson
"It's the coolest thing I've seen." - Carrie Keagan
Bryan Erdy must have been given the Jedi mind trick into thinking he was seeing a Disney film. Dittman has given us some seriously old news and you can read below to find out who Carrie Keagan is. David Poland at MovieCityNews has been pimpin’ this movie since late April. And has been giving them some gem quotes that don’t sound like the crap just above. Now, like anyone who likes this movie I think he was either drunk or a recipient of the McMurphy treatment when seeing it, but why not use someone willing to write thousands of words about your film and continue to defend it then these 15 words-or-less jokers?
Revoking Critical And Man Cards
Last week, the unbearably generic Made of Honor didn’t have anyone in its ads to recommend the film. It’s a rare occurrence but sometimes a film is just so bad that even the whores smartly disassociate themselves from it. (See ads for: Deception, The Hottie and the Nottie, etc…) More commonly it’s on the films that don’t screen for critics (i.e. Meet the Spartans, The Eye), unless you write for Bloody-Disgusting and happily provide positive thoughts for test screenings of The Ruins and Pathology.
This week though, Paul Fischer has made my job all the more easier when he got his name as the solo voice of unreason on the 13% RT approved, Made of Honor. (“…Deliciously romantic, a wonderfully funny date movie that is both irresistible and charming.”) He’s also one of two, as mentioned last week, on the ads for this week’s romantic comedy disaster, What Happens In Vegas, which is, by and large, the worst film of 2008 not named Prom Night. Fischer calls it “Hilarious!” though. Why does this make my job easier? Well, it just provides a nice little parallel to a demotion we’re giving on Criticwatch.
“Made of Honor is a nice cookie-cutter comedy, no more and no less, but Dempsey, with his relaxed charm, and Monaghan, with her soft and peachy sensual spark, rise to the challenge of making friendship look like the wellspring of true love.”
“Ashton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz hate on each other with dynamite verve in What Happens in Vegas.”
Those words belong to Entertainment Weekly critic, Owen Gleiberman. So be sure to give a nice, hearty “thank you” to him when your lady drags you to both pieces of crap. Trust me, guys. No promise of repeat viewings of Indiana Jones and The Dark Knight while getting oral homage in the back of the theater is enough to make you enjoy one of these films, let alone both. These are break-up material movies. And recommending them both not only forfeits your man card but grants you a one-way trip from the “trustworthy” to the “caveat emptor” section of our Criticwatch list. You earned this one, Owen, and you’re in the penalty box without parole for a while.
Top Critics Agree: Peter Travers is "Fierce and Funny"
Film Title: Iron Man
Released by: Paramount
Tomatometer: 94% (as of May 3, 2008)
So, Paramount, you have this film cranking a whopping 94% approval rating at Rotten Tomatoes. They could be mostly 3-star/solid “B” ratings, but no matter – the positive reviews are flowing. 144-to-9 positive-to-negative by this writing. Those are Pixar-like numbers. It currently is the FIFTH-best reviewed film of the year and SECOND-best (behind only 4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days) with films sporting over 100 reviews at the site. And, yet, these are the people you choose to hype your product in the ads:
“Spectacular…Iron Man kicks off summer on a blazing high note and practically dares the competition to measure up. It’s been years since a movie superhero was this fierce and this funny.” – Peter Travers
“A thrill-a-minute blockbuster!” – Jeffrey Lyons
“It’s a blast!” – Gene Shalit
“One of the best superhero movies ever!” – Scott Mantz
Couldn’t find anyone better than that, Paramount, seriously? You may not wanted to associate your superhero flick with the online geek sites, but at least some of them write more than just dumb-dumb phrases like Lyons and Shalit. I suppose that’s why Saturday you prefaced the ad with the big “TOP CRITICS AGREE” and replaced them with A.O. Scott (“An unusually good superhero picture”), Joe Morgenstern (“Hugely entertaining!”) and the Saturday ad’s best friend, Claudia Puig (“Entertaining and fun!”). Last week you attributed “A lot of fun” to one Mr. Roeper, but now it’s been given to his current partner, Michael Phillips and Richard was left with “Robert Downey Jr. gives a blazing performance!” Thank you for not saying “iron-clad”, Richard. But still in that “top critic” list remains Peter Travers, which remains one of the few negatives associated with Iron Man this weekend. It may have been "years since a movie superhero was this fierce and this funny," according to Travers. But just one year ago Travers said:
"This mischievous blend of The Office and Friday the 13th keeps things fierce and funny enough to give Steve Carell ideas." (Severance)
"Michael Moore isn’t the only filmmaker packing enough heat to bust out of the documentary ghetto. A shockingly fierce and funny spell-binder that leaves your head spinning." (Crazy Love)
"A radically fierce & funny fireball. "(Sicko)
"Fierce and fiendishly funny." (No Country for Old Men)
"Fiercely funny!" (Delirious)
STOP USING PETER TRAVERS, STUDIOS!!!!
Vegas and Zombie Strippers
This weekend 20th Century Fox, the creators of Meet the Spartans, Jumper, Shutter and Deception is sneaking the latest film from the writer of The Wedding Date. At 10 PM Saturday night you can choose to catch What Happens In Vegas so you can say that you saw it even before the critics; most of whom haven’t been invited until Tuesday morning. (Chicago is even further behind the times with a Tuesday evening screening.) No matter what city you’re in though, there’s no way you can be the first or even the second one in line for the Cameron Diaz/Ashton Kutcher marriage-off. Sorry, Paul Fischer and Sara Edwards have already beat you to the punch. “Hilarious!” says Fischer, getting only his second quote of the year (after Smart People). Edwards is getting her first quote of the year, whipping out a whore’s greatest hits calling it “Laugh-out-loud funny!” and “Sweet, smart, sexy.” Apparently, it “Works on every level.” Wow, Sara! And, of course, we believe you because in the past you recommended we see Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, Unaccompanied Minors, Home of the Brave, Stick It and Monster-In-Law. What Happens In Vegas, Sara, stays shut in your unqualified mouth!
Catching up on something I missed in last week’s Chicago papers was the ads for the Robert Englund/Jenna Jameson breastfest, Zombie Strippers. The film got a one-theater engagement in the Windy City and, much to our most pleasant surprise, was actually screened for critics. A pretty hefty accomplishment considering how many already haven’t been this year including the recent Prom Night and Pathology. It’s actually a better film than either of them. But better does not equal good. Certainly not “so hot, it hurts,” as said by No Good TV’s (NGTV) Carrie Keagan (seen right) who also said that 10,000 B.C. “rocks!!” and 27 Dresses gave us “27 more reasons to love Katherine Heigl!” But despite some really horrible taste in film, I’ll at least give her a pass as being the kind of galpal who may force you to go see chick flicks in January but will gladly get it on for a film called Zombie Strippers.
I’m not going to say the same for one Luke Yelasdi Thompson. The L.A. Weekly critic has gone on record in the ad as saying, now stay with me here, that Zombie Strippers is | |
Articles 
subscribe to this feed
